Office Holiday Parties

I realized yesterday that this will be the first year in honestly I don't remember how long that I don't have a workplace holiday party to attend! Are they always fun? mmmmm..... not really. But are they a tradition? For sure! Sadly for me this year, no awkward conversations, no Chinese raffles, no White Elephant gift exchange (I even had my present all ready to wrap in MAY), no watching co-workers shake their groove things to a DJ playing classic hits like "Brick House".

Are you still working? Is your office having a holiday party? If you have an open slot, consider me as your entire company's "+1". In return, I promise to participate in, or at least enthusiastically encourage the following:

1. Xeroxing body parts.
2. Drinking too much and then try to hide the fact that they drank too much when they're talking to someone like the CEO, etc...
3. Drinking too much and making out with someone completely inappropriate
4. Requesting rap songs with bad words in them then giggling at the awkward stares as HR vacates the dance floor and glares at the offending party, secretly planning the latest addition to that person's "Permanent Record"
5. Food fight!!??!!
6. Loudly demanding "Let's do shots!"
7. Sneaking out of the party and sneaking into a better party at the same facility but thrown by a different company
8. Finding the stash of blank name tags and making up funny faux name tags

I would be especially honored to be included in the subsequent flurries of emails sent to / from my "coworkers for a night" expressing remorse, sharing gossip, and, especially welcome, containing photos. I promise to hit "Reply All" and respond with clever retorts like "LOL" and "OMG" as long as you wish, to keep the conversations going and make sure the server has plenty of data to store.

My dance card is filling up for the rest of the year, but for your office's party, I'd happily re-evaluate my priorities. Especially if the DJ will play the Chicken Dance.